Extract from Project 2 (2)

“Hey”, she whispers, patiently. “Where did you go?”
I give her a joyless smile, out of politeness.
“It doesn’t matter”, I reply. “It will pass. It’s stupid of me to rely on you.”
“Why is it?”
“Cause if I do, I will start to need you. And when you disappear…”
“If I disappear”, she interrupts.
“When you disappear”, I persevere. “I won’t know what to do.”
She looks at me, a small smile hiding behind a solemn expression, which I realize I can sense. It tells me how well I’m getting to know her, and that realization both pleases me and gives me panic, calms me and urges me to back away. Just as I’m about to take her silence as defeat, and use that to bring myself to leave the bed, she speaks.
“You’ve misunderstood the purpose of getting close to someone. It is about finding someone that you can let past the innermost defenses, to trust that person to see you, to really know you. For them to prove that they have your best interests at heart, and to help you towards a place where your needs are as tended to as possible. To help you evolve, face your demons, grow stronger. And for you to do the same for them in return. True, it will then feel like there is no way you could survive without them, cause it will be such a difference from how the world was before they came into your life, and the idea of going back is terrifying. But the real beauty lies in what comes next.”
I realize she’s luring me back, as I can feel hope spur from her words. I try to shield myself, to remind myself that it makes sense to keep a distance. Still I want nothing else than for her to continue.
“If you get to that point, where you know without a doubt that the other person will guide you, put the world to right when it has tilted, it won’t be long before you know what they would have you do in any situation. When you are faced with a challenge, with something that hurts, you will be able to listen to advice that hasn’t even been uttered out loud.”
She pauses, needlessly, to make sure I am listening closely.
“Eventually you will be close enough to know what I would say to you in every moment you hesitate, and that knowledge will be what gets you through.”
“Surely”, I object, voice weak. “I should be able to do that myself.”
She lets the small smile that I already knew of come forward.
“What do you think I would say to that?”
I don’t reply. But I allow myself to move closer to her.

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